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Editorâs note: The podcast âChasing Lifeâ with Dr. Sanjay Gupta explores the medical science behind some of lifeâs mysteries big and small. You can listen to episodes .
(CNN) â After months of polarizing rhetoric, unexpected pivots and misinformation galore, this roller coaster of an election season is finally coming to a close. For many, the end canât come soon enough; the political tension is so thick, and many people just want a reprieve from the vitriol and stress.
In fact, seven in 10 Americans report feeling anxious or frustrated about the 2024 presidential campaign, according to .
Regardless of what happens today â and in the days and weeks that follow â itâs unlikely anything will be resolved: The political divide will remain, and we will have to face people with divergent opinions around the dinner table, around the neighborhood, around the office and, maybe especially, around the holidays.
Having any kind of conversation on delicate or divisive issues, let alone a civil and productive one, can be a huge challenge for many of us.
âI think itâs harder for more people, more of the time because of the culture that we live in today,â conflict resolution expert Peter T. Coleman told CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta on his podcast âChasing Lifeâ recently.
âThe climate right now, certainly in the US, but frankly in many democracies around the world, (itâs) so polarized that when things happen, whether itâs Covid or a presidential campaign or a war, they become quickly weaponized and quickly polarizing â and then we have a very hard time talking about them,â he said.
Coleman, a social psychologist, knows something about working through conflict. Heâs a professor of psychology and education at Columbia University, and he directs The Morton Deutsch International Center for Cooperation and Conflict Resolution, where he runs the . He is also the author of several books, including â.â
âThis is a particularly tense time,â he said, noting that conflict that starts with political leaders trickles down to everyone. âYou start to see these kinds of divisions in families and workplaces that feel like they become intractable,â he said.
You can listen to the full episode .
Coleman said that by some measures â including the willingness of members of Congress to work across the aisle to pass legislation â we are âas or more polarizedâ than we were shortly after the US Civil War.
âThere are many factors that contribute to it, but if you look at some of the metrics, this is an acute time of conflict, tension, polarization, indifference, and we are quick to assume the worst of the other and react in sort of both physiological (and) psychological ways,â he said.
Anyone who has experienced conflict firsthand (and thatâs just about everybody) knows it is felt in both body and mind.
âHumans, we are hardwired to be sensitive to threat, some of us more than others,â he said. âWhen we experience a member of an outgroup (a social group with which a person does not identify), it triggers our amygdala, triggers our sense of anxiety and threat and emotions. And thatâs ⦠a pretty primitive and evolutionary instinct that we all live with.â
Furthermore, Coleman said when we hear or read something that we consider outrageous, it triggers the same parts of the brain that are triggered by narcotics â and we can actually become addicted to this outrage.
But, he said, we humans are also wired to cooperate.
Coleman cites the work of , who studied peaceful societies and found when Homo sapiens lived in small groups, hunting and foraging, they had to cooperate. But about 10,000 years ago, when early humans settled down, started to claim land and accumulate possessions, âthatâs when inequality and envy and a sense of sort of injustice starts to come in. And thatâs when you see group-on-group violence and war,â he explained.
âThe fact is that most of us are hardwired to cooperate and to need each other ⦠because weâre so vulnerable for the first two years of our lives that we need others to survive,â Coleman said. âAnd in smaller groups, that is what weâre inclined to do.â
So, how can we stack the deck in favor of cooperation over conflict when we need to resolve a disagreement â political or otherwise?
One âgo-toâ tactic is compromise. âCompromise is a method of conflict resolution or dispute resolution. Itâs usually splitting the difference,â explained Coleman, using as an example the parent who cuts an orange in half so two warring siblings can share equally. âThat, oftentimes, in some situations, might be the optimal solution.â
But it is not the only way. Looking for an âintegrative solutionâ may be a better path forward, he said. For example, maybe one child wants to eat the orange, and the other wants the peel for making marmalade. In that case, each child can get 100% of what they want.
âItâs finding out whatâs behind their needs in this situation and then being creative and problem solving around how does everybody get more of what they want, not just half of what they want.â
Believing everybody has the same motivation, or everyone values the same thing, is âsuch a rookie mistake that we all make all the time,â he said.
How can you be better positioned to tackle conflict, have productive conversations and avoid World War III in these divisive times? Coleman has five tips.
Acknowledge emotions
Recognize that anxiety and intense emotions are normal when dealing with divisive, hot-button issues, Coleman said via email.
âInstead of relying solely on logical arguments, focus on establishing a foundation of positivity, trust and rapport with (people) across divides,â he said. âThis may take time but is crucial for constructive conversations.â
To stay calm and composed while you work on building trust, he recommends channeling your favorite peacemaker and asking yourself how theyâd behave in this situation.
Donât settle for simple â dig for gold
Understand that most serious issues are complex and rarely have simple solutions, Coleman noted, highlighting topics such as abortion, gun control and immigration.
âReal problems are like onions â theyâve got layers,â he said. âLook for the gray areas, acknowledge the good and bad on both sides, and avoid turning everything into a black-and-white showdown.â
And remember that two opposing arguments can be true at once and good people can hold diverging views.
Be mindful of âinitial conditionsâ
Tread lightly when starting a discussion because what you say and how you say it will color the rest of the conversation and possibly your relationship moving forward.
âBe thoughtful about how you initiate and frame difficult conversations, as your first moves (the initial conditions) can significantly impact the outcome,â Coleman said.
Instead of launching into what might feel like a full-on inquisition, he advised beginning the conversation on a âhuman dimension.â Ask how the person is doing, how their kids or parents are. Only then gently move on to, âCan you tell me why you feel this way about (the difficult topic).â
Listen like a pro (not just to win)
Active listening isnât just about sitting there while someone talks, waiting for your turn to jump in with a killer rebuttal, said Coleman.
âYouâve got to actually hear what the other person is saying,â he said. âTune in, not to win, but to get a sense of where theyâre coming from. You might surprise yourself by how much more open you become.â
One way to accomplish that is to think of the discussion as a âdialogueâ to participate in, not a âdebateâ to win.
Believe in the Power of Change
Itâs easy to think people never change, especially the ones who disagree with you, said Coleman, but change is possible â for them and for you.
He noted that if you donât believe a situation can ever change, there are only two options: disengage or fight. Simply believing in the possibility of change creates the opening.
âIf you approach conversations with this in mind, youâll be a better negotiator, a more flexible collaborator, and just all-around easier to get along with,â he said, adding that it will also increase your willingness to interact or compromise with those who hold different views.
Coleman said up to 87% of Americans are exhausted and fed up, and they want a different approach. They âare more ripe for movement, for shifting their take,â he added.
âThatâs what we have to remember, because oftentimes â because of social media, because the most extreme voices get all the attention â we assume ⦠all of them are a lot crazier and a lot more threatening than they actually are.â
Coleman has one final tip that might be the most important of all: Take care of yourself. âWe are not our best selves when we are anxious and angry,â he said. He recommended mindfully limiting the amount of information you consume.
âWhatever happens (with the elections), there is a lot of work to do,â he added.
We hope these five tips help you survive the post-election season and upcoming family gatherings. Listen to the full episode .
CNN Audioâs Jesse Remedios contributed to this report.